Fall in Love Roses
Finding romance seems like a complex puzzle with odds similar to Lotto. Finding The One involves a little strategy and a lot of socializing!
Washington Post staff writer, Lavanya Ramanathan followed Washingtonians searching for love or who recently found it. She asked them what they’re trying, what works and what doesn’t, and where they meet people.
Then she asked love gurus and authors to weigh in, but not before asking them what makes them such experts.
What follows is the lowdown on what it means to be looking for love in Washington in your 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s. We’ve compiled great ways to meet others and fabulous ideas for first dates. And we’ve got only one rule: Stop looking at dating as a game or chore, and approach it with optimism and confidence. It’s supposed to be fun.
Dating in Your 20s
What we’re about to say may infuriate you. It may prompt you to send us angry missives about ageism. But here goes:
The rest of us could learn a thing or two from the dating habits of 20-somethings.
Our dating experts all suggest the same approach to dating at any age: Relax (or at least appear to be unaware of the incessant, pounding tick-tock of your internal clocks) and your charms will shine through.
No one does this better than people in their 20s. (The first dates that can make the rest of us so nervous? A 25-year-old will casually call them “hanging out.”)
Of course, 20-somethings have good reason to be relaxed about love. Their dating pool is a virtual ocean, still teeming with cute, smart, upwardly mobile types. And they often have the opportunity to dive right in: There are bars, work outings, social groups and even strange, retro sports leagues that can all serve as venues to meet that special someone.
“Meeting through an interest is 10 times better than meeting in a bar,” says Matt Simonson, 24, who attended a recent gathering of 6th in the City’s new running club. “In a bar, everyone is trying to be someone, everyone is trying to prove who they are, whereas if you meet through an activity, you’re actually showing who you are.” (Sorry, folks, he’s off the market; he met his current at a climate-change rally.)
Twenty-somethings get out there. If a relationship doesn’t work out, they keep optimistically forging ahead — a strategy everyone should try.
Washington does pose some major challenges for 20-something daters, not the least of which is trying to go out in the city on a ramen-noodle budget.
Meet the challenge with innovation. There was a time when every date Toblin went on involved dinner. But her now-boyfriend wooed her with a fabulous fall day that took the pair to Rock Creek Park Day (free) and the National Book Festival on the Mall (also free). The date “was epic,” she says.
At any age, first and second dates should feel organic and low-pressure. Hit the zoo, a festival or an art event. Check out a jazz club. Walk there if you can.
“A fancy dinner is not a good date,” says Michael Karlan, president of Professionals in the City, which organizes speed-dating and other social events in several cities. “It sends the wrong message. You want the person to associate you with fun. You don’t want them to associate you with taking them places they’re going to feel this pressure.”
Best places to meet people in this age group: Adult sports leagues such as the World Adult Kickball Association (www.kickball.com) or No, Adult Kickball Isn’t Dumb (www.playnakid.com); synagogue, temple or church groups, such as 6th in the City (www.sixthandi.org); volunteer outings (www.dc-cares.org); or a Meetup group that matches your interests (such as dance groups and outing-focused Meetup groups such as Young and Loving DC and GoGayDC (www.meetup.com.)
Dating in Your 30s
It’s a Saturday night in Reston, and the bar at McCormick & Schmick’s is packed, filled with members of Meetup’s Singles in the Suburbs. As its title suggests, the group is aimed at unmarried folks living in Reston, Herndon, Fairfax, as well as Maryland.
The 30-to-50-somethings who are its members are a friendly, chatty bunch that like to go out; they organize trips to a bar-centric take on “Jeopardy,” to see the holiday lights at Bull Run, or to a Santa Bar Crawl. On this night, they’re out on a bar crawl for Feed the FISH, an event to raise money for the charity Herndon-Reston FISH, which offers emergency assistance to the needy. The culmination of this night of revelry? A date auction.
But Singles in the Suburbs isn’t actually about dating. It’s about getting out and making friends — and that’s why it has a pretty good number of dating success stories.
“Here’s why my group works,” says Rita K. Colbert, 33, the founder of the 1,000-member-strong meet-up. “My group does it all. We have a book club in the group, we have a movie club in the group, we go on hikes, we go on trips, we have happy hours. When people go to that group that attracts them, they’re meeting other people who are attracted to that same thing, so already, you have a common interest.”
She should know. She met her boyfriend of three years, Scott Langbauer, through Singles in the Suburbs, when Colbert was hosting a Texas Hold ‘Em night at her house.
Langbauer, 34, recalls that it was a Saturday night when all his friends had plans with their significant others, so he decided to check it out by himself. “Through that, we just sort of clicked. I think it was probably after I took all of her money, but I did use that to buy her dinner, like, two nights later.”
Dating in your 30s may mean it’s time you wean yourself off the bar scene and break old habits. Try going to events alone instead of with your 20 closest friends.
It’s also time to open your mind; you’re going to meet people who have a different set of issues than daters in their 20s: Many are coming back on the market after the end of long relationships.
Which brings us to our next suggestion for 30-something daters (and we know this one is going to hurt for the average Type A Washingtonian): Stop requiring the people you meet to live up to the impossible standards you’ve managed to create by your 30s.
“Most of us look for clones,” says L.A.-based dating coach Marc Evan Katz, co-author of the book “Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You if You Promised Not to Get Mad.” “We want someone who’s just like us, but the opposite sex, without our flaws.”
You know you’ve done it: Anyone less than an attractive fellow federal worker/MBA/triathlete/cat-lover contacts you on Match.com, and you hit the delete button.
But the truth is, if you say it aloud — “The person I really want to date is me” — it sounds more like you need therapy than a life partner. So try something different: Check your expectations along with your coat, for a couple of dates, anyway. It’s an ancient practice we like to call “getting to know each other.”
Best places to meet people in this age group: Singles in the Suburbs (www.singlesinthesuburbs.com); swing dancing at Glen Echo Park (www.glenechopark.org/dancing.htm); volunteer outings (www.dc-cares.org). Art fan? Check out the all-things-D.C. Web site www.pinklineproject.com for listings of art salons and parties, or join an arts group targeted at young professionals, such as the Corcoran’s 1869 Society.
Planning a date? Being in your 30s may mean you have a little more expendable income than you once did. Try: Room 11 in Columbia Heights (www.room11dc.com) or the reservations-only cocktail bar Gibson near U Street (http://www.thegibsondc.com). Share a cheese plate and wine at Proof after work in Chinatown (www.proofdc.com). Try an art museum such as the National Gallery of Art (www.nga.gov). If you enjoy the outdoors, hike the Potomac Heritage Trail, which in winter offers views of the Potomac and the waterfalls (http://www.nps.gov/pohe).
Dating in your 40s and 50s
If 20-somethings’ best advantage is that vast dating pool, 40-somethings have the boon of increased self-awareness and seriousness about finding lasting love.
“The amount of single people you meet at age 26 is astronomically higher than at age 46,” Katz says. “The single people who are ready to get married at 26 is astronomically lower than when you’re 46.”
Don Cooper, who would reveal his age only as “40s,” was among the singles at Professionals in the City’s “35-plus” wine tasting and speed-dating event at BlackFinn Restaurant and Saloon in Bethesda last month. He says that priorities also change.
“When you get older, you say, ‘I just want to go out and enjoy myself.’ You want someone you can hang out with first, rather than the superficialities of how someone looks or what they do for a living,” he says. “It’s not like when we’re young, trying to act like we’re really something we’re not. It’s much more personal when we get older.”
Mary Beth Jalickee, 42, is giving dating a second shot after a recent divorce, and for now, her strategy is “just getting out there and showing my face,” she says.
Like Jalickee, many of those dating in their 40s and 50s may come from broken marriages, have lost spouses or have children.
“Somebody who’s 50 and coming back into the singles scene has probably been married 25 years. There’s been a lot of social change in that 25 years,” says Carol Randolph, executive director of New Beginnings, an Olney-based support group for divorced and separated people. Randolph recommends finding hobbies and engaging in group activities, which can offer a chance not just to get out, but to make friends with members of the opposite sex. “That’s a whole genre of experience that many people don’t experience till they’re separated,” she says, and it can help people test the waters.
While online dating may seem appealing, she cautions that it isn’t a way to get around the real issues: “You still have to meet this person. You still have to carry on a conversation. You still have to talk about something besides the demise of your marriage.”
Getting out there is exactly what relationship coach Amy Schoen tried when a divorce left her single again her late 30s.
She joined a bowling league, hit a few speed-dating events (”I was the worst speed dater,” she confesses.), tried outdoor clubs and even went on organized group vacations. It didn’t take her long before she met the man she ultimately married; they connected through a cycling group.
The approach, she concedes, isn’t for everyone. She has clients who are introverted or don’t do well in group events, preferring one-on-one interactions or online dating instead.
By your early 40s in particular, online dating can make sense “because you’re not going out to bars and picking up strangers to hook up with,” says Katz. “That’s why online dating is valuable. It creates opportunity where there is none.”
Best places to meet people in this age group: Support groups such as New Beginnings (www.newbeginningsusa.org); social groups and activities clubs including www.capitalhikingclub.org or find one through www.meetup.com. There are Web sites and e-mail discussion groups available, too; Schoen lists singles events on DCdatinginfo.com, and a popular e-mail group for those in their late 40s and older is Paul’s List (e-mail paulsslist@aol.com). Tommy the Matchmaker hosts a New Year’s event at the Georgetown Holiday Inn (call 301-656-2545 for tickets). And don’t be afraid to use the Internet; many of the people we met have used it with success. Popular sites include www.eharmony.com, www.chemistry.com, www.match.com or www.plentyoffish.com.
Planning a date? Try Black’s Bar & Kitchen (www.blacksbarandkitchen.com) or the D.C. landmark Old Ebbitt Grill (www.ebbitt.com); embark on a full-moon hike at the U.S. National Arboretum (beginning in February; www.usna.usda.gov); go swing, salsa or ballroom dancing at the Hollywood Ballroom (www.hollywoodballroom.com); or try posh cocktails at Quill at the Jefferson Hotel (http://www.jeffersondc.com).
From: The Washington Post